Sins Life



Sins Life – Johnny Sins & Kissa Sins Erotica Blog

Hello beautiful people from all over the world!!!  Welcome to Sins Life!!  The true, unconventional love story of Johnny Sins and Kissa Sins, told by me, Kissa!!

I started this blog as a way to keep our photos and adventures in one place, and never imagined that it was going to turn into something that thousands and thousands of people would read.  I especially never thought we would ever hit 1 million readers, but here we are!  This story was initially on Tumblr in a very disorganized blog format, but once we hit a million readers I decided you guys deserved a real website.  And this time it’s the whole story, in order, no more jumping around.

Please enjoy fucking yourself if you have comments about my improper, eccentric writing style, as I am well aware I am reckless with comma placement,,,,, and give no fucks about perfect grammar.  After all, it’s our story and we can write it in run on sentences if we want to.

For those lovely eyes viewing Sins Life on computer:  Please find the full Chapter List on the right hand side of this post under “Sins Life Chapters” to help you navigate throughout the story.

For those lovely eyes viewing Sins Life on mobile:  Please find the Chapter List in the Sins Life drop down menu, accessible through the main menu under Sins Life >>>> Chapter List.Sins Life - Johnny Sins & Kissa Sins Erotica Blog - like 50 Shades Of Grey for adults. Our unconventional love story & sexual antics

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PLEASE BE ADVISED this blog contains XXX images, XXX extremely descriptive erotica, and vulgar language.  People tell me it’s like “50 Shades of Grey for perverts”.  You’ve been warned lol!!  If you want to read the blog at work or somewhere where you’d rather not have close up photographs of my butthole on your computer screen, I’ve created a “SFW” censored version; the erotica writing is the same but I’ve removed the pictures so you can read in peace if need be.  Just kidding for censorship.  We love you!!

Sins Life


Sins Life – Johnny Sins and Kissa Sins Erotica Blog  – “Superheros”

I guess I’ll start the story off with the scientific (lol) explanation of why we’re obviously superheros:

I have a so called “problem” with my nerves that causes me to be highly sensitive to touch.  I can feel the details of the wind on my skin, and the curvature of a each drop of water when I’m wet.  I guess this goes hand in hand with my never ending, insatiable thirst for touch.  I crave it.

I am, and always have been, an extremely horny person.  But it’s more than just horny; I’ve always loved touch, even the
touch of something painful translates to me as pleasure in certain instances.  A gentle touch is extremely intense for me, and intense touch is almost too much to handle and I almost can’t take being touched in certain, random places.  I have a G-Spot in my armpit, the back of my head, my hips, as well as the normal ones in my pussy and in my ass.  So pain is just another feeling I can’t handle, and taking it and working through the pain is orgasmic to me.  I remember noticing the nerve in my vagina as early as 8, and when I was about 10 I started masturbating.  I used to think that the “orgasm”, although I didn’t know the word, was right before I actually had the orgasm.  I couldn’t handle the intensity of touching myself through the climax… it was so strong I would start shaking and lose the strength to continue.  So I would masturbate all the way up until the point that I was about to cum and then I would stop, thinking I was finished.  It became very frustrating to me because I could then not sleep until the sun came up, I would lie in my bed confused for hours and so birthed my insomnia.  I later went too far one night and had my first real orgasm and slept like a fucking baby.

Johnny, on the other hand, is a sex god.  His intensity is overwhelming and he takes control of my entire body.  His cock is enormous and muscular and I can feel every single vein in his cock as it slides in and out of my pussy.  I can feel the heat and the power of every inch of him as he thrusts it deep inside of me.  He’s like a wizard.  Sometimes I ask him “what the fuck are you doing????” because I can’t figure out which hand is where and sometimes it feels like he has 10 hands and 10 tongues.highlight2  His energy level, the size of his cock, and his 8 year training as a pornstar has made him a sexual athlete and he’s fun as FUCK.  He’s twice my size and and so he can throw me around like a rag doll, or hold me down and make me cum over and over and over again regardless of how much I kick and squirm.  He is my Daddy and he owns my pussy and I will forever be his submissive little bitch.

The combination of these two things; weird-sensitive-chick and sex-god-man creates something special.  Like fireworks.  When we finish fucking and my 20 orgasms come to an end, my entire body quivers and shakes and I can’t walk, or even stand up to save my life.  I can’t talk or function and he just looks at me and smiles.

This picture is so perfect because he knows exactly what he does to me.  From the second he starts touching me my entire body becomes electric and my nerves stand on end.  I’ve never felt a touch or a feeling as strong as when I’m around him.  I swear on everything even if someone conducted a touch test, I could tell you which one is him no question, because his touch consumes my body.  His cock wreaks havoc on my nervous system and I love not being able to handle it.

At this exact second we’re on the beach in Cabo, fucking as the sun goes down.  He’s fucking me from the back and we notice a jogger approaching on the boardwalk about to pass us.  We stop fucking so we don’t get in trouble, and my worst nightmare ensues which is trying to be quiet/act normal as the nerves in my pussy surrounding his dick twitch and flicker and my entire body vibrates as I shake.  He tells me to “shhh” but keeps his dick pressed into my body, and pumps it into me without moving anything but his dick, and looks at me and starts laughing.

He loves it.  I love it.  Fuck it’s so addicting.  Like the best drug you could ever imagine.

Sins Life

Lost in Blue – My Johnny

“Lost In Blue” by Kissa Sins

That’s my man.  His name is Johnny Sins and he the nicest, most genuine guy I have ever met… And I’ve met a lot of god damn people.  He’s been the first person in my life who can actually slow me down and focus my racing mind to allow me to not think about anything when I’m with him.  Usually I think about so many different things at once that I exhaust myself, but it feels like when I’m around him I can take a deep breath and simply be.  He’s always nice to me.  No matter what.  He’s always calm, always chill.  We love all the same things and make each other die laughing.  He really cares about me being happy and content and does way more than he should for me, and it’s completely flattering to watch how much he loves me.  I’m addicted to the way he looks at me and the way I can tell he feels when he’s next to me.  I’m addicted to his touch and the way he makes me feel inside and out.  But more than anything it’s the friendshjohnny-sinsip that I appreciate.  It’s really open and honest and easy.  Very non judgmental.  I could tell him anything, even if I do something wrong, and he never gets upset or judges me.  There’s something magic in his eyes that I can never figure out.  It’s like he knows something about life, like he knows whatsup.  His eyes are so blue and big and clear they’re like snow globes full of ocean.  And his shyness makes me melt.  We love teasing each other and pushing each other to be better and better and planning all these amazing trips and adventures in our life that I love.  And the fact that when he takes his pants off his cock matches his personality in awesomeness, well that’s just amazing.  It’s like if you could date your best friend, but your best friend is also a sex machine.  Or, you’re dating a Hitachi, but your Hitachi has a personality.  And I love that he loves that his little sex slave can change a tire or go camping for 3 days without doing my makeup.  I’m thankful I can not only have a friend to admit all my fears to, but also a lover to fuck my brains out in the best way.  I respjohnny-sinsect him for being the most motivated, patient person I know.  His dedication to anything he sets his mind to on a daily basis is really amazing.  I couldn’t have asked for a better partner to explore this life with, and I’m happy for every bad thing that ever happened to me because it led me straight to him.
There is no where else on earth that I would rather be than lying on your chest, under your arm, Daddy.  You’re dope and fun and the chillest and I’m so excited for life.  Thank you for everything you do.



Sins Life

Wanderlust of Kissa Sins

Sins Life

Failing At A One Night Stand

This is the first picture Johnny and I ever took together.  We’re in his backyard a few weeks after we met, and I’m smiling like that because I’m in the most comfortable, safest place on earth; under his arm.  He creates a very calm and serene head space for me, and the way his big arms envelop my entire body makes me melt.  The story of how we met will make you laugh so here ya go:

I had broken up with my boyfriend a few months prior to meeting Johnny, and I hadn’t had sex since the break up.  I have always been in long term relationships and so I never got the chance to be sexually adventurous with strangers, and it seemed fun, so I decided to go on a mission to have the first 1 night stand of my life.  When I stumbled across Johnny’s Instagram, I thought, wow this guy is hot, followed by the realization that he was that one bald porn dude.  This is the perfect 1 night stand I thought, he’s a pornstar; he’ll only want to fuck me just like I want, then he’ll be over it.  I hit him up for the fuck of it.

I commented on one of his pictures a very romantic: “I wanna fuck you” and then forgot about it because I noticed he never responds to anyone on Instagram.   I laughed the next day when my notifications were full of comments and likes from him.  Here is the first conversation we ever had lol:

kissa-sins-johnny-sins-sins-life-erotica-7So I send him my phone number and he texts me:

transfer1 We make each other do silly stuff, like make letters out of our hands and take pics and text it so we both know we’re not serial killers, and we both know we’re who we say we are.  Jokes on him because I am a serial killer, but that’s what you get for meeting people on the internet.  We get along really well over text, but I figured I get along with everyone on earth, and assumed he’s just some player and to ignore the chemistry.  All I want is to finally get fucked like I deserve to get fucked, with no strings attached.  My friends told me I was crazy, especially after I showed them one of his movies.  They said he seems like an asshole and I said I don’t care. The whole ‘bald-asshole-fuck-me-until-I’m-dead’ look is okay with me, and fuck off.  We set up a time to meet in the Valley at a local bar, and I am all ready to have my first 1 night stand.

I of course get pulled over on my way to the bar for driving like 90 mph on side streets because I’m so excited.  When the lovely cop is running my drivers license back at his lovely cop car I texted Johnny this picture of my soft, hairless pussy he and tells me how yummy it looks.  He texts me a picture what he was wearing so I could find him easily.  He’s so cute I can’t stop smiling.  The cop comes back and I cover my pussy and smile but I can feel how wet it is and wonder if the cops knows what I’m thinking.  He passes on giving me a ticket and I almost speed again right in front of him pulling back onto the road.

When I get to the bar I park across the street and I walk inside and see him sitting at the opposite side of the entrance.  He’s bigger than I imagined, and much cuter in real life.  My face gets hot and I’m sure it turns red and I swallow hard and walk over to him.  I go to shake his hand like an idiot and then halfway through the handshake realize we’re not at a business meeting and maybe I should give him a hug?  So I give him an almost handshake and then almost hit him in the face giving him a last minute hug.  Perfect I’m an awkward spaz in the first 30 seconds as always.  Fuck.  He smiles big and then makes eye contact with me then immediately looks down.  I follow his eyes to the ground and think to myself, is this guy shy?  I watch him for the next couple of minutes and realize holy shit he is shy.  I assumed he was going to be arrogant because I’ve only ever seen him on Brazzers, and was basing my assumption of how he would act on the aggressive intensity of the way he fucks.  It’s not like I’ve ever in my life watched a porn intro, so I had never even heard him speak.  I’m completely thrown off.  Out of anything on planet earth shy guys are my biggest weakness by far.  We have some drinks and flirt with each other until I flash my pussy to him one too many times and he gets the tab.  I’m not wearing panties and my dress is so short he can see everything from where he was sitting.  Oops.  He puts his hand on my thigh and I move closer until his middle finger hits the soft skin of my pussy.  He pays and we leave and I follow him to his house.

We chill in his backyard and spark a joint.  We laugh and tell stories and feel uncomfortably comfortable with each other until his eye catches mine and I forget what we’re talking about.  He grabs my face and pulls me into him and kisses me hard on the mouth.  He holds the back of my head with both hands and the goosebumps spread like wildfire from the tips of his fingers to the base of my spine and into my stomach.  I’ve never felt anything like it before.  I’ve never felt like I was being electrocuted by touch before.  I’ve always been hypersensitive, but not like this.  I keep my eyes open and stare at him and he puts his lips on my lips and my goosebumps feel like they’re going to burst.  I can all of a sudden feel my heartbeat pulse like a subwoofer in my swollen clit, and I’m so wet I can feel the moisture just barely spreading my pussy lips apart, and the wetness starting to leak down into my asshole.  I cross my legs to hide what’s happening, but it just squeezes my pussy between my legs and makes it overflow and it drips down the soft skin of my inner thighs.  I have never in my life kissed so passionately and I’m immediately mesmerized by his energy.  He pulls me onto him so I’m straddling him on his lap and my pussy juice spills all over his shirt, picks me up and brings me inside.

I remember seeing his cock for the first time.  It was bigger than I thought it was going to be, and pretty.  Very pretty.  I remember wondering if it was going to fit and being excited that it might not.  I put my hand on it, closed my palm on his bulging veins and squeezed.  I bite my lip and look up at him.  He’s a foot taller than me and towers over me.  He kisses me again and I bite his lip too.  We rip each others clothes off and he fingers me and I cum all over his hand.  I suck his dick and appreciate his cock with my mouth.  I remember when he put it inside of me for the first time… it’s the same feeling I get every single time he puts it inside of me now, but the first time I didn’t know my pussy would stretch around a cock that big.  He stares directly into me with his eyes full of blue and takes my breath away as it slides in.  Electricity shoots all over my body like a pinball machine.highight3  I am officially his little bitch.  I would kill every child in a village if he told me to right now, and not because I would want to, but because I am literally a robot programmed to serve him at this moment.  It’s heaven.  I can feel his cock pushing the walls of my body open, and I can feel him in my bone structure.  I’ve never been this overstimulated in my life.  This is the best day ever.

But really it’s what comes next that is more amazing than all of that.  The feeling of lying on his chest under his arm as we both drip in sweat is indescribable.  A layer of cum beneath us, and a layer of sweat between us, I can hear his heart beating in his chest and he holds me harder as he feels me shake.  I can hear the filtered sound of his lungs as they expand in his chest, and my own heart beat so loud it echos in mine.  I realize that this is prSins Life - Johnny Sins & Kissa Sins - How We Metobably when you’re supposed to leave after a one night stand?  I try to calm my nerves down so I can stand up and get dressed but he grabs my face and kisses my lips and we start fucking again.  And again.  Until all my limbs are numb and I can no longer speak.  He looks directly into my eyes when he’s thrusting his cock into my body and I can’t handle how fucking intense he is.  I’ve never been matched in intensity and always feel like I need to get everyone on molly so they’re on my level.  But not him.  It’s like the most powerful supercharged engine screaming on a freeway going a thousand miles an hour.  It feels like it’s supposed to feel.  Fuck money, fuck materialistic shit, this feeling is worth more than all of it.  Sex is better than anything.

Afterwards we fall asleep on the couch together.  I wake up and realize I’m fucking this 1 night stand thing up.  I finally collect myself I start to get dressed and get all my stuff together.  He wakes up and asks me to stay.  I tell him I can’t but he insists.  Really I want nothing more than to lie on his chest all night but I am trying to be a slut.  It’s not working.
We wake up in the morning cuddling, and I reach down and his warm cock is hard as a rock.  We fuck again and I don’t know how because my pussy was so extremely swollen and fucked up but I don’t care or dare stop him and my orgasms overpower the pain and we both cum so fucking hard.  He gets up and makes us breakfast.  He is healthy like me and he makes the most delicious, healthy breakfast and we sit in his backyard and eat.  We’re already making plans to chill again and go hiking and I’m completely confused and think maybe this is how kissa-sins-johnny-sins-sins-life-erotica-69all 1 night stands go?  But am horribly mad at myself because I know I already like him.  Fuck.

I leave his house and try to sit down in my car.  I cannot sit down comfortably.  I cannot stand up comfortably.  My pussy is completely sore and every muscle around it is aching.  I put a sweater from my backseat under my ass and force myself to drive home.  I blast music and scream and dance and can’t help myself from smiling.  I’ve never been so happy in so much pain before.  I can die now.


Sins Life

Johnny Sins POV

By popular demand – Johnny Sins POV of the first night he met me, Kissa Sins!!


I’m sitting in my backyard at my house in L.A., I just finished eating lunch and am checking my Instagram. I’m scrolling through, checking my comments and noticed a very hot girl that followed me and commented on a few pics, so naturally I checked out her pics. Now I rarely comment on Instagram but the first pic was her in front of a big camera with the caption “this is not a porn”. I knew she had a sense of humor because she obviously wasn’t in porn. She lived in Southern Cali too Kissa Sinsso I figured I’d flirt a little and leave a comment on that pic. I commented “that’s too nice of a camera for porn!” It worked, she replied back flirting with me and did something no ones ever done and gave me her # over the comments. I take a screen shot and text her that she better delete it before weirdos start hitting her up! I spend the next hour scrolling through all of her pics, disregarding anything I have to do. With each pic I become more and more captivated by her. Something about her seems so positive, free spirited, sexy, cute and shy all at the same time. Always covering half her face with her bangs, every pic was a bigger smile or laugh than the next, like she didn’t have a care in the world. We play a fun game of verifying our identities by taking pics of ourselves, can never be to careful over social media! Kissa takes a pic making a J Johnny-Sinsfor Johnny, in her bra at work of all places which I love. I make a C for her nickname Coyote with my hand and send it to her. I must have taken that pic 100 times before I had one I felt good enough sending her. After joking about it with her, we determined we both did the same thing! I was hooked and we set up a date to meet up for drinks a few days later. I figured it would never happen because most things too good to be true usually are. For the next couple days I cant resist looking at her pics and fantasizing what she is going to be like.

It’s the night of our “date”. I’ve learned Kissa never calls anything a date so I doubt she considered this one. Like usual, I’m nervous but have been looking forward to it all day. I make a drink, Black Label Johnny Walker on the rocks to calm me down. I’m having an unusually hard time picking out something to wear. We’re meeting at a little hole in the wall bar down the street from my house but I still can’t decide. Jeans, yes. Which ones? T shirt, button up? And shoes? Which shoes?? Anyway i’m late and I really want to get there first, get settled in and have a drink before she arrives. So I’m dressed, feeling Kissa-Sinsgood, looking good and I’m ready to go. I snap a pic and text it to her and she does the same back. At this point I’m pumped because she looks amazing. I’m nervous though because I’ve been in porn the last 8 years and have only dated and been out with girls in the business, never a “civilian” as we like to call them. I just moved to the neighborhood and I’ve never been to this bar before so I didn’t know what to expect inside. I get there and go in through the back entrance. It’s a small, local, hole in the wall bar, a little dirty with a few pool tables and a small pool tournament going on. I sit at the end of the bar and order another Black Label on the rocks. I check my phone, I’m a few minutes late but she texts me saying she will be their soon. She sends a pic of her sitting in her truck with no panties and her dress riding up high so I can see her pussy! I get really nervous and excited at the same time but the Jack Daniels is certainly helping calm my nerves. She says she got pulled over for speeding because she’s late but she’s on her way and didn’t get a ticket. I think, this girl is awesome!

I have a clear view of the back door from the bar stool I’m sitting in. I see her poke her head in and come through the door. She looks stunning, dirty blonde curled hair, a tiny little black dress so short she can’t really walk normally and heels that make her legs look a mile long with black thigh high stockings. It seems like everyone in the bar goes quiet and watches her walk in and wonder why she was their and who she was meeting. Luckily its me:) She struts over to me, in kind of a shuffle because her skirt is so short and probably because everyone is checking her out. She’s so sexy with her short ass dress and sweeping hair and so cute trying to pull her dress down and trying to cover her huge smile with her hair. We hug and she is totally warm right away, she sits down and orders a shot of Vodka, small talk begins. I have no clue what we talked about, probably any first date basic conversation shit but I could tell I really liked her. She was fun, loose and carefree. We both have a few drinks and the conversation flows smoothly, but I’m definitely not thinking about that. A little subtle twist on her bar stool reveals she isn’t wearing any panties! She gives a giggle and looks down and pulls her skirt down just enough to cover her pussy. I’m horny as fuck but have no idea what to expect because she is the first non porn girl I’ve been out with in a long time. Well besides one other that turned out to be a disaster.

Were having a great time and go back to my house. We go outside and sit on the patio on the love seat. After a little small Johnny-Sinstalk I go for it and start making out with her. Its electrifying, she instantly gets me in overdrive by biting my lower lip and pulling on my earlobes as we make out. It’s on, neither one of us can stop ourselves after making out like that. I pick her up and carry her inside. We rip each others cloths off, she’s so fucking hot I am the happiest guy on the planet. We have mind blowing sex for who knows how long, probably not that long though because I don’t think I could’ve held out for long. She completely catches me off guard, I’m in porn but have never been with anyone that is so sexual and orgasmic. After finishing in a pool of our own sweat and cum we fall asleep on the couch. We wake up sometime later and she expresses a desire to go home. Later on she told me she had planned on making this her first one night stand. We laugh to this day joking about what a failure of a one night stand it was. I tell her she doesn’t have to leave, nor do I want her to and we should have a snack. Every night I make delicious yogurt snacks, with peanut butter, protein, fruit and nuts. I make her one and she loves it. At this point I know she’s a catch. We eat our yogurt snacks and chill out and watch Archer on netflix. She laughs and giggles through it saying she never watches television, which is awesome because I don’t watch much either. Shortly after we are into round two, this time the sex is even more intense than the first time. I know she likes it deep and can take it so I don’t hold back much this time. We fuck all over the house, we hit the pool for some doggy style after getting hot and sweaty inside. I take her inside and lift her and fuck her deep against the wall. I’ve never felt more sexually powerful, making her orgasm what seems like an infinite number of times, we are exhausted and pass out in bed together.

Johnny-SinsThe next morning was not awkward at all like it can be. We of course have morning sex and I get up and make her breakfast. The same breakfast I make every morning for myself. She was so appreciative and loved it, eating everything. I remember being compatible with her every step of the way, from our conversation, kissing style, sex, eating habits, pretty much everything. We eat breakfast outside by the pool, talked and made plans for our next adventure, hiking in Malibu.


-Johnny Sins

Sins Life


transfer 3For the next two weeks I made Johnny wait.  I was working 60 hours a week and had a lot of stuff going on, and was trying to not let myself fall for him.  We texted constantly, and every time my phone made a noise I hoped it was him.  I couldn’t fight off the butterflies that took over my stomach.  I couldn’t stop smiling when he texted me.  What is this feeling??  The day after I left his house something strange happened to me and I was very uncomfortable with it.  I woke up missing him like the biggest rookie ever.  What was I doing???  I kept telling myself that all it was was a one night stand and to forget about it.  I didn’t want to get involved like that with anyone; I had just quit my job and had huge plans to go traveling around the world to visit every member of my family.  I couldn’t get attached, plus I figured he had so many girls in his life that I was just another one of them, and tried to tell myself that he made every girl feel the way he made me feel.

But he kept texting me, and he kept being extremely nice to me, and kept filling my heart with such positive vibes that I couldn’t stop myself from texting him back, and I couldn’t fight the fact that something about him intrigued me.  Something in his eyes I didn’t expect to see, some kind of pensive understanding he held inside of himself, I could see it when I looked into his eyes.  I honestly expected him to be shallow and arrogant before I met him, but he was additively calm and exuded a serenity that was completely magnetic for me. His eyes almost had a sadness to them, some kind of deepness like he knew more than he let you believe.  I didn’t want to fall in love— but it didn’t matter.  highlight magneticEvery picture he would send me would jump out of my phone and into the colors of my head and electrify my soul as it painted this beautiful picture on the walls of my mind.  I felt like running to him every moment of the day; he was like a drug and I didn’t give a fuck that I was addicted.  I felt like I knew him my entire life.  Then fuck I would catch myself thinking shit like that and think how ridiculous I sounded.  I tried so hard to not trust him and to not feel this way, but at a certain point I stopped trying.  I would drive to his house at 100 mph and scream at the top of my lungs in my car before I got out to release some of the excitement spilling out of my body.  I could get high by meeting his eyes with mine and having these wordless conversations with him.  It was like I was hypnotized.  It was so electric.  I was intrigued that someone could hold my attention and excite me so much; I get bored very easily and tend to find beauty in most people and therefore rarely get attached to just one person.  But he was different, he fascinated me.  The amount of happiness and comfort I felt from being around him scared me because I’ve never truly needed anybody before.  It’s frightening to feel vulnerable, but there’s something so innocently adolescent about that feeling that makes puppy love so warm and fuzzy.  And the more we talked the more we realized we have the same ambitions and goals in life.  But I was very open with him and not wanting to get attached, and warned him to not like me too much because I was leaving to go traveling.  And he tells me don’t worry, he would never want me to not go traveling but it’s too late on the liking me too much thing.

I just fall deeper and deeper into his vibe and he falls deeper and deeper into mine.  My body started needing his.  I started needing his touch, and the fact that I hadn’t even kissed another person since the day I met him made me crave him even more.  I had no interest in hooking up with anyone else, and really wouldn’t notice if he suddenly became the only man on earth.  I was either about to be that girl that gives up her dreams of going traveling for a man, or, perhaps I found someone to pursue my dreams with.


Sins Life

The Funeral

The day my Mother died I was asleep in my bed in California.  My cell phone rang five times at around 5am and I kept ignoring it because I thought it was ridiculous for anyone to call me this early.  By 6am I can’t wait to yell at whoever keeps calling so I pick up the phone and yell what the fuck do you want and the voice on the other end says, “Your mom died”.

I rub my eyes and sit up straight and ask them to repeat what they said.  Which they do, over and over again.  I can’t understand what they’re saying even though I hear the words; for some reason I just can’t grasp it.  I can hear the words but my brain won’t organize the meanings.  I don’t know about you but when I first wake up I am completely confused.  If the person on the phone said “Hey how are you” I still would have been confused.  I feel like I’m dreaming.  It was a really intense way of finding out my Mother passed away.  They asked if I could attend the funeral in Toronto and if I was okay.  I say of course I’ll fucking be there, and I’m not sure if I’m ok, and I hang up the phone.  Panic.

I can’t breathe, I can’t concentrate, I don’t know what to do.  The first person I call is my Father who has to literally walk me through breathing and standing up because I forget how to function.  I just keep asking him what do I do.  He has been divorced from my Mother for years but still has to be really intense for him too.  He stays on the phone with me for probably half an hour until I knew who I was.  He tells me how to brush my teeth step by step.  I still can’t cry because I guess I still don’t believe it.  I’m in shock.

The next person I call is Johnny.  He’s the next person that pops into my head and when he answers my entire body relaxes and I catch my breath.  I start balling my eyes out.

The next day my Father drives me to the airport.  I don’t speak in the car.  I feel like a zombie and walk to my terminal completely numb.  I remember I was sitting cross legged on the floor listening to music, waiting for my plane to take me to the funeral.  I remember being afraid and sad and confused and nauseous.  I texted Johnny and told him I wish I had his chest to lie on and that he could come with me to give me endless hugs to make me feel better.

kissa-sins-johnny-sins-sins-life-erotica-63He sends me these two pictures.  The first one, he says, is for anytime I need a hug to look at this picture.  The second one is if I was safe and happy and lying on his chest.   My lips curl slightly and then bloom into a giant smile that pushes the welled up tears out of my eyes.  It’s amazing how one nice notion can positively affect someone so much.  I must have looked at those pictures a million times on that trip, and when I was afraid to walk into the funeral home it was those pictures that gave me the courage to walk through that door.  I don’t think he knows how much it meant tohighlight funeral me even to this day.

It’s not until recently that we figured out that I had chosen to call him second after my Father when I got the news,  after hanging out with him just ONCE.  Which is so confusing to me because I had already felt so close to him by that point that it just felt natural, I knew he would calm me down and he did.  He told me he felt so special when I called and that he was happy I felt strongly about him so quickly because he felt the same way and was nervous I didn’t feel it.

I’m glad he was there for me and I appreciate it to this day.

Just for fun– the video below is the song we played at my Mom’s funeral.  She was a really care free, fun loving person and wouldn’t have wanted us to sit there sad.  So when the service was coming to an end my cousin and I stood up and told everyone else to stand up and said, “she would have wanted us to dance.”  So we made everyone dance, to one of her all time favorite songs.

My Mom lived in St. Maarten in the Caribbean for many years with my Father and loved their culture and music.  For anyone who doesn’t know what Carnival or Soca is read about it here

Sins Life

1st Hike

When I got back to California from Canada Johnny and I couldn’t wait to see each other.  He took me hiking in Malibu and we fucked on the peak of a lookout point.  I remember being so nervous until our lips met again.  I remember wondering if I was saying the right thing or if he thought I was cool until our lips met again.  Because once our lips met again nothing fucking mattered and I wasn’t worried and suddenly everything made sense.  Why does fucking on a rock in the middle of nowhere make so much sense right now.  Why does it feel like my insides are alive like never before?  What is this fucking feeling.


so cute 2

Sins Life


1111Courtesy of liquid courage, aka tipsy-drunk texting, Johnny and I admitted many things to each other and realized we both felt the same way about each other.  Then we quickly started planning an entire month vacation together.  It was cute because it was like we were both afraid to show each other just how much we liked each other, so we would both hold back and play it cool when really we were in overdrive on the inside.  I figured I would save up money until our vacation, then transfer 5leave to travel straight from there.

We planned on Cabo San Lucas, Mexico.  We would leave at the end of December (which was I think a little over 3 months away at the time), and stay for almost 6 weeks.  We decided to drive all the way from LA to Cabo to experience the adventure because that’s really what we’re after.  I was beyond excited.

Oh if you’re wondering why I’m smiling like an idiot in this picture it’s because it’s a picture I took as he was texting me.  I’m so fucked lol and notice in the text I’m already calling him Daddy.  Hahah

I love you, life.